I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
