my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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