She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
