hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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