I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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