when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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