On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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