I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
