Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
