i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
