He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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