Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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