My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
