All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
