Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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