I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
