my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
