His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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