Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
