So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
