His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
