He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
