Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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