Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
