dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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