My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
