i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
