Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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