my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
