Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Two words: blizzard sex
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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