I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
