the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
