and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
