i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
