My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
