Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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