He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
