Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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