and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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