Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
