your parents love me but you hate me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
