Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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