Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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