I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
