we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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