Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
