yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
