my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
