I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
