its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
